Once upon a time, there was a worn-out mommy. She was once a lovely skinny princess, but as it happened the king was broke so all she had in her dowry was a couple of scrawny goats and a snippy chihuahua. When the Handsome Prince from the far-away land of California showed up to bring the princess to his lovely castle, she was more than ready to go. She truly loved the prince, and so she thought they would live happily ever after. Nine months later the princess had a princess of her own, who was beautiful and kind and so smart–but first she had to grow up and somebody had the idea that Princess Mommy was the best one to help Little Princess do this. Princess Mommy was tired, grouchy, and she had a migraine, but still Little Princess still demanded to be fed, and changed, and held…and none of the spells the fairies tried worked. After sacking the worthless fairies, Princess Mommy figured it out on her own. Luckily, Princess Mommy loved that Little Princess to pieces, even though her old ball gowns didn’t fit over her royal stretch marks anymore and the Prince was also a sailor and had to be gone away from the castle a lot.
One of Princess Mommy’s talents was baking princesses and POOF. As soon as Prince Sailor came back from leave, guess what? Princess Mommy had another princess! Since Prince Daddy and Princess Mommy were too broke to afford servants, Princess Mommy had twice the amount of diapers to change and runny noses to wipe and fevers to tend to. Sometimes Mommy really needed some special Mommy Potion Juice that wasn’t sold in the dry kingdom, so she just had to settle for strong hot coffee and lots of magical Midol pills sold by the sorcerer. These magical pills helped Princess Mommy NOT turn into an evil witch form once a month.
A few years later, when the little princesses were a bit older, Princess Mommy’s talent kicked in again and she baked another baby. It was a Prince this time, and the whole kingdom rejoiced. The castle needed repairs and the goats ran away with the chihuahua, but the little royal family loved each other in spite of it all.
Then, the Prince Daddy got a better job in the kingdom of Texas so the family moved to the land of cowboys and giant steaks. They were able to buy a new castle and everyone rejoiced. Sometimes, Mommy still needed her magic blue pills so she didn’t turn into a witch, and the Prince Daddy learned this so he went to the Royal Sam’s Club, the biggest in the land, and stocked up on those magic pills, strong black coffee, and delicious chocolate cupcakes so rich they would make a lesser Princess Mommy cry.
And the whole family lived Happily Ever After.
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