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With all the talk of the inevitable zombie apocalypse, I’ve done a lot of thinking about it. Let’s just face it: I’ve become too citified. I don’t even like to go camping anymore. The last time I went camping was when Mancub was when he was 8 and we did the Mom and Me Camp Out for Cub Scouts. I got about 75 mosquito bites. Apparently I was an all-you-can-eat buffet. Maybe there was a mosquito wedding or something. Needless to say the experience itself was not my favorite–my air mattress slowly lost air during the night and when I woke up in the morning I felt as if I was sleeping on a jagged boulder. The only thing that made the entire thing worth it was when we first got there and unloaded our 124 pounds of equipment in the 200 % humidity (I was already ready for a nap) and Mancub smiles at me with his one tooth missing and says, “Mom, this is the best day of my LIFE.” Yeah, that was pretty amazing and I cried a little.
Since Mancub has quit Boy Scouts I haven’t been camping. Really, my idea of camping is staying at a less than four star hotel. My idea of “roughing it” is no Netflix and a side air unit instead of central. That’s about as hard-core as I get.
You’re probably wondering how I can be so confident of my making it during the imminent zombie apocalypse? I tell you why. Underneath this soft marshmallow English professor exterior lies the heart of a redneck. It’s in my blood. So here are 5 reasons why I think I will be A-OK should the zombies come a knockin’.
1. Food: My Aunt Mollie–about the sweetest lady in the entire world–has a canning addiction. She cans tomatoes, green beans, potatoes, peaches, Lay’s Potato Chips, pudding, salsa, layer cake–you name it, she’s canned it. She has enough canned goods to last for at least 20 years–even if Mancub has a hearty appetite.
2. Location: She and my Uncle Gene live down a dirt road in the back country of Missouri that, when you try to get GPS to find it, its response would be an eternal “Recalculating. Recalculating.” Let’s face it: zombies are not that bright. They can’t operate a GPS even if they wanted to. I could go to my aunt and uncle’s cabin and the zombies would never find it. They’d be moaning and groaning in frustration (as frustrated as the undead can be).
3. Fresh meat: My cousins and hubby are the best hunters and fisherman–we’d be set.
4. Protection: This is a no-brainer. I have a mean chihuahua who is already on guard 24/7. He’s been training for this moment HIS WHOLE LIFE. Also, I have a German Shepard mix and the family has several guns and tons of ammo. We’re good here.
5. Water: My family lives on the water–or near enough. With my insane fire-making skills-we’ve got it covered. Ok, so I haven’t tried them yet, but I have watched at LEAST 40 episodes of survival shows so I feel like some of that knowledge will have had to sink in.
Of course, all of this hinges on my Aunt Mollie taking us in. Which you know she would because she’s amazing.
Come on zombies! I dare you. For your enjoyment, I’ve included a link to the classic song “A Country Boy Can Survive” which I dedicate to my Missouri and Pea Ridge Peeps.