Most students don’t mean to be annoying…it might even be accidental. Social blunders and ignorance of etiquette are often the water that prime the fountain of discontent. Most students come to school with a goal in mind, ready to work. These students endear themselves to the professor from day one. However, just in case you PLANNED to spend your hard-earned money to get off on the wrong foot with your professor ASAP, here are some GREAT ways to get started.

1. Be late to class. If you want to add a certain ZING, be more than 15 minutes late. Also, it helps if you casually stroll in front of your professor, ear buds in, with the flair of Lady Gaga appearing on the red carpet. Really pull out all the stops to make sure the class sees you (fog machine optional). Don’t apologize for being late, and be sure to make it a habit, so that you can ask questions that have already been addressed while you were taking your leisurely stroll across campus. WE LOVE THAT.

2. Don’t bring ANY supplies. Your fellow classmates and I will quietly thank you for coming at all, as if we are sitting in the family section at a funeral and you are here to offer your support. Be sure to show up to Composition class SANS pencil and paper. Yes, we know that you are quick-witted and have a photographic memory and instantly retain whatever you hear.

3. When you realize you actually MIGHT be asked to participate, groan loudly as if you just got a certified letter from the IRS. Be sure to poke the person in front of you and loudly whisper “Do you have a pen?” at roughly the same decibel of the tectonic plates shifting. We love being distracted while trying to teach. It really shakes things up and keeps us on our toes.

4. Whenever your professor tries to discuss something you’ve heard before in another class, be sure to complain. Something like, “I’ve been writing persuasive essays since I was 5,” really impresses us and makes us wonder why you show up to class at all. If only we had 1/10th of your intellect. But it was not to be.

5. Be sure to miss class regularly. After you miss, it’s customary to call/text/email your professor with tons of details about why you were absent. Of course we understand that you had to give your cat CPR and Fluffy almost didn’t make it but thanks to the displaced orphans you took in off the streets, he has had plenty of love and care and everything is going to be all right now. End your email with the four words every professor loves to hear: “Did I miss anything?” And “Can you please let me make up the test? I am only available from 2-2:30 a.m. every other Tuesday.” It really excites us to only have a few minutes to give a test over again–it adds a bit of unexpected fun to our otherwise uneventful lives.

6. Be sure and have your phone out, texting and quietly giggling to yourself during lecture. That’s my favorite.

Love,

Your Favorite Prof.