The Queen’s On a Diet: A Real Life Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, the Queen of the castle felt most chubby. She stopped asking her magic mirror if she had gained weight, because it became increasingly apparent that the mirror had a bad attitude, so the Queen punished the mirror by using off-brand mirror cleaner, just until he remembered his place.

The reason the Queen was sure she’d gained weight was obvious. Her queenly robes and gorgeous ball gowns were way too tight, and verily she was unable to fit into her royal Spanx. It even seemed her crown itself was a bit snug. Soon, the Queen was unable to wear anything except the Royal Yoga pants. And oh, did the Kingdom suffer because of it.

The Queen consulted instead her royal diet advisors. For a time, she convinced herself that Ye Healthy Choice dinners, though full of sodium managed to taste much like the wood in the fireplace, so that’s where the rest of them went.

Next, the Queen tried Smart Ones dinners, because she was placed under the spell of the bright red cartons that promised delicious lasagna and decadent desserts with no immediate consequences or calories. Unfortunately, the Queen was a regular sized person, and not a two-year-old baby as the portions recommended, and the two bites of chicken buried under the semi-frozen broccoli made the Queen throw up a little in her mouth. When the Queen finished her Smart Ones, she felt empty and sad, and to console herself from the loss she celebrated by inviting the brothers Ben and Jerry over for a late night party. Though the King also had affection for the popular brothers and their delightful Chunky Monkey potion, he invited them back to visit when the Queen could fit in her gowns again.

There seemed to be no end to the Queen’s desperation. A sparkling fairy with six pack abs and shiny teeth convinced the Queen that her magic shakes would too transform her into a pretty fairy as well. After a couple of weeks of the magic shakes and intense push ups and unflattering yoga positions, the Queen discovered that exercising sucked and the shakes tasted ever so much better if the magical Ben and Jerry’s concoction was added to the mix.

Finally, the Queen decided that she was done with dieting and just bought some bigger ball gowns. Ben and Jerry visited the castle so often it seemed like they were more family than friends, and everyone lived happily ever after, until the next time the Queen’s ball gowns shrank.