Have you often wondered how to start a fight on Facebook? Do you find yourself dreaming of creating division and strife among your friends and family but don’t know how to get started? Do you ever feel jealous of the talent others seem to effortlessly radiate? Have you ever wished that someone would take a moment and explain to you how all this works? Look no further. If you follow my advice, I guarantee that you will have results by the time the sun goes down.

Step 1: Call someone out on your wall. This is a time-proven method. For further assurance, add a couple of curse words, or even better, direct the curse words toward your projected enemy.

Example:

This is for you Aunt Mabel. You’re a *!@$$$ and  I hate your stinking face and you’ve always been uglier than a turtle in heat.

Now this is an excellent start. By targeting a family member, you’ve added that certain spark and you just know that even if Aunt Mabel is never on Facebook, somebody will be burning up their rollover minutes to call her and let her know.

The “turtle in heat” reference, though baffling, adds a certain flourish that might otherwise be missed.

2. Time to step it up. Hint: It’s also somehow more offensive if you come across as illiterate.

Example:

this is for you aunt mabel you’re a *@!$$$ i hate your stinkin face and youve always been uglier than a turtle in heat

The fact that you can’t (or even better, won’t) be bothered to use proper grammar and punctuation lends itself to a Devil-may-care attitude that just screams “I couldn’t care less how I am perceived by coworkers, my boss and the general public.” Or, even better, the famous misstep “I COULD care less” which means while your level of concern is far lowered than normal, there is still a vague hope that it could fall even further.

3. Make a generalized statement regarding people who believe differently from you politically. The more offensive, the better.

Example:

If you are a Democrat you are not only stinky but stupid.

This is a bit amateurish, but we have to start somewhere. A better comment would be more specifically targeted. Let’s try again:

If you voted for Obama I hope you’re happy at the state this country is in because it’s basically your fault, you skunk-sniffing liberal lover.

Ah, definitely more offensive, but we could do better.

If you voted for Obama I hate you and your entire city. May angry squirrels urinate on your roof. Don’t ever talk to me again, you liberal piece of global-warming idiocy. 

Remember, it’s just as easy to flip the insult around if you happen to BE a Liberal piece of global-warming decay.

Example:

If you are a Conservative, I hope you’re happy at the state this country is in. By blocking Obama’s dreams on every front, you’ve managed to single-handedly destroy the American Dream and all who love it. Well done, you Limbaugh-loving country killer.

Step 4: Air your family drama. Remember Aunt Mabel? Here’s how to REALLY show her who’s boss.

Aunt mabel this is for you i know you stole my Victoria’s Secret underwheres from my chester drawers when you were visiting with your pack of unwashed brats last week. 

By accusing Aunt Mabel of a specific offense, you are guaranteed that somebody will respond.

Also, remember what I taught you about the power of ignoring basic grammar and spelling rules? Keep all this in mind. Also, it’s a nice touch to also insult Aunt Mabel’s mothering skills if you are really looking for a reaction. Never fails. But we could do better.

Aunt mabel this is for you i know you stole my Victoria’s Secret underwheres from my chester drawers when you were visiting with your pack of unwashed brats last week. Everybody, including Aunt Phillis, hate it when you show up, eating everybody’s groceries and smoking all the cigarettes. 

It’s especially effective to drag another family member into the conflict, stating they are “on your side” and that everybody is “sick” of whatever behavior. This guarantees that not only Aunt Mabel will hear about it, but her kids (especially if they are on Facebook) and Aunt Phillis, who for all we know has no idea about any of this.

5. Make a sexist post. Some believe only men can do this, but this a myth. Sexism can go both ways. For the ease of argument, I’m sticking to what’s commonly used.

Example: A woman’s place is in the kitchen. Go make me a sammich, woman!

Although a bit generic and boring, this comment is guaranteed to make a splash, especially if you make it more specific.

Example: Hey Aunt Mabel. A woman’s place is in the kitchen, so go make me a sammich.

Close. Better, but not good enough. Bring in all the elements I’ve taught you so far, and you can really make this thing blow up.

Hey aunt mabel, you Obama-loving amurica hater! A woman’s place is in the kitchen so why don’t you make me a sammich, $!@#@!!

There you go. You are now ready to start a fight on Facebook, and if you really put your heart into it, you can be friendless by 5:00 p.m. God Bless Amurica!