Dear Proverbs 31 Woman,

Since I was a little girl, your deeds have been made known as the standard for motherhood and wifedom. Somehow, I never seem to quite catch up with you. When compared with you, I just fall short. I’m too flawed. I don’t know how you do it but I wish you would quit already.

The bible says you are “worth more than rubies.” I’m no gemologist, but I’m probably more comfortable in the rhinestone section of the pawn shop.

You “select wool and flax” and “converse with merchants” whom you “make sashes for.” For one thing, I’m no good at sewing and crafts, and the only merchants I seem to converse with are Wal-Mart and Amazon.com and they are fresh out of flax. It’s not really a close friendship, but we do ok. Note to self: make some sashes for the cart guys at Wal-Mart.

You “get up when…