Dear Proverbs 31 Woman,

Since I was a little girl, your deeds have been made known as the standard for motherhood and wifedom. Somehow, I never seem to quite catch up with you. When compared with you, I just fall short. I’m too flawed. I don’t know how you do it but I wish you would quit already.

The bible says you are “worth more than rubies.” I’m no gemologist, but I’m probably more comfortable in the rhinestone section of the pawn shop.

You “select wool and flax” and “converse with merchants” whom you “make sashes for.” For one thing, I’m no good at sewing and crafts, and the only merchants I seem to converse with are Wal-Mart and Amazon.com and they are fresh out of flax. It’s not really a close friendship, but we do ok. Note to self: make some sashes for the cart guys at Wal-Mart.

You “get up when it is still night” and “provide food for your servants.” Ok, I’m up pretty early, but sadly I don’t have any servants who need tending to. Note to hubby: where’s my servants? Ha. Ha. I’ve been saying that same joke for 20 years and the answer I’m told is that modern appliances stand in for servants. OK, but it just doesn’t seem to be the same to sit next to the dishwasher chatting over coffee. But we do have a lawn guy! Oh man. I’ve got to start looking out for him!

As far as “staying up late,” I do that! Wait, I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about my drinking a glass of wine and watching Sister Wives as a worthy endeavor. Most nights I’m asleep by 11:00 tops. So there’s another check in the column against me.

I can’t remember the last time I “considered a field” or purchased any real estate. Also, I’m way behind on planting that vineyard you take care of, but if you saw what happened to my tomatoes a couple of years ago, you’d forgive me on that.

I do work hard. I guess we have that in common. I teach high school English to a bunch of great kids, blog, write books and magazine articles. But I’m not fit in the way you are described (her arms are strong for her tasks). Not to self:start drinking those protein shake things again and do a few pushups for crying out loud!

You are described as holding a “distaff” which I have no idea what that is so I’ll google it. Oh yes, it’s some kind of spinning device. Nope, that’s still sewing-related. I DON’T SEW. I tried once, and the dress I made looked lopsided and a second away from a wardrobe malfunction.

I’m not clothed in “fine linen and purple.” Well, sometimes I wear purple yoga pants. Check!

I don’t know about the “speaks with wisdom” and “not eating the bread of idleness.” More likely, I’m speaking sarcasm and eating bread…whatever you’ve got is fine. I’m not picky!

We do have one thing in common: our husbands rock and everybody knows it. Also, my kids never go hungry because I love to cook. Check, check! I don’t know about my children calling me “blessed,” but I do have pretty great kids who love me, and an awesome hubby. So I guess we’re good there.

All I’m saying is can you give the rest of us a break and slow down already? Some of us can’t keep up with you, and it’s a bit intimidating at times. I’d love to invite you over for a cup of coffee to find out more, but I’m pretty busy myself.

Oh, and sorry I wrote that “I’m Coming for you” line. That was inappropriate. Sometimes I have anger/jealousy issues. I’m working on it, and I’m medicated so back off!

Sincerely,

The No Way Can I Ever Compete Woman